Thankfully, Tomato Battle:CO was greater success than the loss of any Tomato Battle crew member’s virginity.

We had expected thousands of attendees. Score. We had envisioned an ungodly amount of tomatoes. Score. We had hoped for fantastic music to fill the air. Score. We had hoped for a never ending beer garden. Score. We had planned an epic food fight to last at least forty five minutes. Score.

However, one aspect of Tomato Battle that we didn’t foresee? Costumes.

Sure. Sure. It had entered our mind that a few participants would dress to impress. Goggles, obviously. Face paint, maybe. A hazmat getup? Eh. Highly unlikely, but probable. Not only were we wrong to an unbelievable degree – we were taken aback by the costumes proudly displayed by the better part of every. Single. Solitary. Tomato Head.

We had a group of bachelorettes – celebrating the death of single life for the bride – dressed in god-awful bridesmaid dresses and a painfully unbecoming wedding dress. Think 80′s dress code. On acid. Covered in ketchup. Righteous is the word that should be bombarding your mind at the moment.

We also saw some gentlemen sporting nothing more than speedos, sports jackets, and ties. Yes. They were extremely attractive. Especially when their attire was given a hint of red. Yes. It was rather difficult not to ask for any one of those brave individuals’ number.

Hint: if you are a single male – you should be taking notes.

There were Roman Soldiers present as well, dressed to the nines and well equipped with shields. Their costumes gave them the uncanny ability to run from end to end of the battle arena – safely and securely. This writer knows first hand. The aforementioned gentlemen protected yours truly when attempting to leave the arena unscathed. Roma really, and truly, does it better.

There were men in hazmat suites, a sombrero-sporting ambre, and human bulls eyes – complete with painted targets and a rather complex point system. There were Hot Tomatoes (clearly) and numerous ladies in bikinis. Now now men. Control yourselves.

So – with a costume conscious crowd such as the one we witnessed in Colorado, we have high hopes for Seattle. Made even higher given our UNREAL. OUTLANDISH. UNBELIEVABLE. Costume Contest Grand Prize.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Are you waiting?

Patiently?

Okay okay. A TRIP TO HEDONISM IN NAGRIL, JAMAICA!!!!

Um. Say wha??

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen. The individual and/or couple with the most awe-inspiring. Absolutely jaw dropping. Fantastically fabulous costume will receive a trip to Hedonism in gorgeous Jamaica for 4 days, 3 nights. Haven’t heard of Hedonism before?

I suggest you google it.

While airfare is not included, this is an unbelievable prize for simply dressing fantastically while throwing fruit at strangers, drinking copious amounts of beer, and listening to face-melting music. Due to the nature of the resort in which the winner and/or winners will be staying – this prize is only eligible for the costumed contestant that is 18 years or older.

Never fear kiddos. We are currently working on a fantastic prize for you as well.

So. If you didn’t have enough reason to dress ridiculously on the 24th of September. You sure as you-know-what do now!

And just like the inevitable encounters one is sure to undergo after a virginity is lost: we have expectations for the costumes at Tomato Battle:Seattle.

Emerald City: DO NOT DISAPPOINT!

Our Fearless Leader, is not. I repeat not. Single.

Pause for reaction.

That’s right ladies. He has been taken by a rather fantastic woman for well over a year now. I know. I know. Who, pray tell, could capture the heart of such a forward-thinking, amazing-event creating, young man such as he?

Two words? A European.

The Tomato Couple has been enduring a long distance relationship for the better part of their relationship. That is, until now. Our lovely Tomato Girlfriend is finally in the United States – and has brought with her a touch of class that has definitely alluded our group. We are now much more worldly. Much more sophisticated. And must more in tune with social standards that leave us looking pretty fancy pants.

Well. All of us except the Soulless Ginger. But that isn’t too much of a shocker. Bringing him to “classy” status will take much more than a visit from a European heart-throb. We are still keeping our fingers crossed though.

So. In an effort to remember all that we have learned in such a short period of time – and simultaneously share this priceless pool of knowledge with all of you – we have created a list of all the things Tomato Girlfriend has taught us. Read. Learn. Enjoy. No one said that throwing pound after pound of squishy tomato didn’t have to be a sophisticated past time.

Hell. Perhaps we will grace a Country Club in the near future.

1. Always. And we mean ALWAYS. Have an unlimited supply of Perrier. Sophistication = Sparkling Water.

2. Speak three languages. IF you are feeling lazy and you don’t want to know six – like the rest of the residents across the pond. If you are striving to be like the Tomato Girlfriend, we suggest starting out with: French, Spanish, Italian, Turkish, English, and Azerbaijan. Yeah. She’s a boss.

3. Learn to love Techno. Now, we at Tomato Battle understand that this little diddy off the ole check list might be somewhat of a challenge. However – we have found that it is rather necessary. Just start off slow, as not to overload your brain. Uncontrollable fist pumps is a common side effect.

4. Freak out. And we mean FREAK OUT. Over Jamba Juice. The innocent bystanders that you inevitably body check in order to place yourself at the front of the cash register line – will automatically assume you aren’t from around here.

5. Learn to speak European English. No. Not the English you would speak if you were in Europe, but the English you would speak if you were from Europe, but in the United States and surrounded by native English speakers. Some helpful phrases include:

* “Where’s the tissue? I have to pull my nose” Translation: Where’s the tissue? I have to blow my nose.
* “Stop horning him”. Translation: Stop honking at him.
* “I don’t want to eat these, I don’t like packens”. Translation: I don’t want to eat these, I don’t like pecans.

And while the Tomato Battle Crew will inevitably slip back into our beer drinking, always cursing, less than classy tendencies – it is nice to, for the time being, rise to a previously unreachable cultured state.

So join us in welcoming our Girlfriend Tomato to the US. Make sure you say hello to her at Pyramid Brewery on the 24th of September. And watch out – she may be a classy lady. She may be extremely worldly.

But she has a nasty throwing arm, and is aiming for. Every. Single. One. Of you.

However – we are ignoring our immense physical pain. We are overlooking the probable broken bones and internal bleeding. And ripping off our boxing gloves to be able to announce the bands who will be gracing the Tomato Battle stage at Pyramid Brewery come September 24th.

We can take a trip to the emergency room later.

So. Without further hesitation – and before our soulless ginger co-founder slips into a coma – here is the set in stone, not to be changed, extremely fantastic, and absolutely awesome OFFICIAL line up for Tomato Battle:Seattle:

Bat Country
Blood of Kings
Panama Gold
The Bloodtypes
The Hill Dogs
The Ongoing
Titanium Sporkestra

The soulless ginger co-founder is teetering on the verge of unconsciousness for a very. Specific. Reason. He threw down, with little to no concern for his physical well being, to ensure that The Hill Dogs would make the final bill. And with That Tomato calling upon her inner honeybadger, and scratching the eyeballs out of her competition – well. Let’s just say some might assume the soulless ginger spends his time running through cactus farms. So The Hill Dogs – you owe the man a beer.

The Roller Doll Tomato is not without injury as well. Although she has the strength of ten men within each one of her biceps – fighting to ensure that Panama Gold made it to the bill was no small tasks. Bruises of epic proportions cover most of her arms and legs. Thankfully, her face is unscathed, ensuring that future roller derby teams will mistake her perfect pores for weakness. Super secret body blows are the key to her success. Trust me. This Writing Tomato knows.

Our Fearless Leader seems to be the healthiest of our crew. He beat most of us down with his quick wit, instead of his fists-o-fury. After listening to him argue the necessity of Bat Country, and after attempting to follow his logic on three completely covered whiteboards, our minds were as beat as our soulless ginger’s body – and we bowed out. Brain wins out over brawn. Apparently.

Which left the Writing Tomato and That Tomato going toe to toe. A nose was broken. A finger was dislocated. A spleen may or may not have been ruptured. However, a decision was made after neither one could continue to stand. This Writing Tomato left it all in the ring for Bloodtypes and Titanium Sporkestra. So both bands owe her copious shots of Jack Daniels. And That Tomato is icing her limbs for a solid week, at least. So The Ongoing and Blood Kings need to send that girl some flowers.

And all of this occurred AFTER the crew had realized that narrowing the list to just five bands, was impossible. There was too much talent. Too much enthusiasm. And too much face-melting capabilities to cut it down to such a small size. So we decided that seven bands would have to do, the bell rang, and the bloodshed commenced.

All. For. You.

So now that you Tomato Heads have your official line up, it is time to get your throwing arm ready. Your drinking pants on. Your costumes completed. And your head banging necks strong. September 24th will be here before you know it.

And the Emerald City will never be the same. Neither will you.

Obviously.

It isn’t every day that one can throw thousands upon thousands of squishy red fruit at relative strangers. A normal Saturday typically doesn’t involve a beer garden that never runs dry, live music sure to melt your face off, and a costume contest in which a man thong, jacket, and tie are acceptable – nay attractive – attire. Well. Unless you’re like this writer, and live on Capitol Hill. But that is just called lucky.

No. It is in the name of all things outlandishly different and fantastically unique that such a Saturday can exist.

And yet – true to our greedy little form – we aren’t satisfied.

It is time to kick it up one ridiculously intrinsic notch. Which means one thing, and one fantastically weird thing only:

Super Geek League.

Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Who better to add to the already inspiring amount of different, than the band voted the tenth weirdest. In. The. World. Unbelievable? See for yourself: http://weirdestbandintheworld.com/the-weird-list/ Yeah – clearly their presence is warranted. Add the fact that they were kicked off of Warped Tour for throwing objects? Why hello match made in heaven. Nice of you to present yourself.

While the typical music festival may shun flying projectiles – it is kind of our deal here at Tomato Battle. If a band is already engrained with the natural reaction to fling tomatoes in the air – they were built to grace the only stage in the United States that allows. No encourages. In fact, celebrates, such actions. Super Geek League might as well have sprouted from a tomato vine – guitar in one hand, fruit in the other. And even though we didn’t find this headlining band in some distant tomato farm – the sound in which they create with every freakish guitar chord. And frantic drum bang. And intrinsic bass beat – is as intoxicating as the five or so beers Tomato Heads are sure to consume.

And in honor of their rather impressive reputation, Super Geek League is covering all their outlandish bases.

In order to ensure that tomato throwing is an undeniable reaction to their sound – they are only. I repeat. ONLY. Consuming food and drink of a tomato nature. Early morning beverage? Ketchup water. Afternoon snack? Tomato infused cheesecake. Relaxing evening cocktail? Tomato whiskey. By the time the stage is set for this unimaginably unique band to do work: Tomato will be the only substance surging through their veins – guaranteeing the call to chuck all things squishy and red will bombard the ears of every Tomato Head present.

And we thought we were dedicated.

So while the battle of the bands still rages on with all the vigor and verve of a Las Vegas Title Fight – we are stoked (and a little scared) to have the beautifully weird Super Geek League headlining the event that will give our adored Emerald City -

The touch of red she deserves.

http://www.supergeekleague.com/

However, unlike the soon-to-be demolished fruit, deciding a final line up will require an exponentially greater amount of work than unloading box. After box. After painfully heavy box.

Ex. Pon. Nen. Tial. Ly.

Did you really think we would leave the fate of Tomato Battle’s musical line up in the hands of mathematics? Especially when said mathematical equation – although infallible – was created by our soulless ginger co-founder? No. Way. We have all witnessed him relying on his fingers and toes on more than one occasion. Thankfully – our teach savvy, fearless leader double-checked the red head’s work. Carry the 2. Subtract the square root of 69. Yep. It checks out.

So no. We would rather solidify the bill in a more. Oh. How shall we say? Tomato Battle-y kind of way. Time to put our boxing gloves on.

It is the fight to the finish. Our own battle royal. A no holds bar, infinitely more ruthless, tooth and nail destruction of epic proportions. Our office? Now a boxing ring. Our typing? Significantly altered thanks to our boxing gloves. Our communication? Limited to grunts due to our mouth guards and uncontrollable spit issues. We are now showing up in boxing shorts, muscle tang tops, and war paint.

We may be able to come to an agreement on a few things, such as: Tomato Battle being the most amazing event in the history of events. There are four tattooed Tomato Heads who carry with them a coolness that rivals that of a rockstar. And our red head co founder really, and truly, is soulless.

But the agreements stop when the music sounds.

In one corner? Our “Writing Tomato”: fighting for the Romeos of her heart. And ears: Little by Little, The Bloodtypes, and Titanium Sporkestra. Every flying arm bar she lands – is for them.

In the other corner? Our “That Tomato”: devastatingly quirky and cute, she is defending: The Ongoing, Token Folk, and Blood of Kings. Big fights come in small packages – and this honeybadger has a whole lot of fight in her.

Kitty corner? We have our “Roller Doll Tomato”: when she isn’t indulging in all things tomato, she is laying girls out on a circular track. She’s throwing bows for: Panama Gold, Seas to Skylines, and Juice. Trust me. There is a reason she’s deadly in a pair of skates.

Stretching on deck? We have our fearless leader, responsible for this one-of-a-kind event. He’s hustling for: Lacero, The Fat Kids, and Bat Country. You know that saying, “work smarter, not harder”? Yep. Established after he was born.

And finally, we have the soulless ginger. And while he would normally be huddled in a corner somewhere, petrified with fear – he has put on his big boy pants and prepared himself for one hell of a fight. He is bucking up for: .jnk, The Hill Dogs, and last but never least – Swamp Doctor.

Words of encouragement, for each relentless fighter, is greatly encouraged.

And if, for any reason, you hear an usual amount of commotion from an office near Lake Union. Well. Just ignore.

We have work to do

That’s just rude.

We are talking about the fun-loving kind. The smile-inducing kind. The get-covered-in-tomatoes-and-laugh-so-hard-you-get-a-six-pack kind. Which is why we provide that for forty five fantastic minutes at every venue brave enough to allow three hundred thousand pounds of tomatoes, and countless tomato-throwing fanatics.

However. We are greedy little honeybadgers, so that kind of competition alone? Not enough.

Which is why a few of you may have noticed the lovely Battle of the Bands we have going on. Now, it was a fierce competition in Copper Mountain, Colorado – which ended in a mind-blowing line up. This writer must admit though – Seattle does it better. The overwhelming video submissions – coupled with a ridiculous amount of comments and likes – only reinforces our already steady understanding that the Emerald City really is all things music. We can only imagine how face melting the soon-to-be-decided-upon line up, which will grace the Pyramid Brewery stage, will be.

However. Again. We are greedy little honeybadgers, so two kinds of competition? Not enough.

So. Since we have an insatiable craving for fun-loving competition – we have decided to create one more tiny. Little. And HOT contest.

Ladies. Pay attention.

Why should the boys with guitars and drum sticks have all the fun? Answer? They shouldn’t. So now – it is the hot mamas’ residing in Seattle that get a chance to flex their competitive muscles, and show the tomato-loving world what they got. We are calling all wannabe Hot Tomatoes to enter our HOT TOMATO CONTEST.

Yep. That’s right. You read correctly. The Tomato Battle Crew is interested in showcasing some rather substantial talent during our Tomato Battles. We couldn’t think of a better fit: beer, live music, a tomato fight, AND devastatingly attractive females? Now that’s winning. So if you think you have what it takes to join the already beautiful Hot Tomato line up – grab a pen and paper and jot some of these little details down.

Obviously, there will be rules. First and foremost: ALL potential Hot Tomatoes MUST BE 18 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER. Sorry kiddies – but we adults need something to look forward to besides paying bills and being responsible. Also – this isn’t a search for the next PlayBoy model dears. Taste and class are REQUIRED. And although looks are important – we are looking for some Hot Tomatoes with sass and personality to boot. So, while pictures (yes. With clothes on) are necessary – a bio and some creative answers to a few questions will be required as well. A Hot Tomato is much more than just a pretty face. She is fun-loving, outgoing, endearing, hilariously witty, and ready to get down and dirty in a sea of squishy tomatoes. We aren’t interested in a beautifully packaged box of rocks.

And just like the Battle of the Bands, all potential Hot Tomatoes will have fans and friends alike, voting for them to make the final cut. Out of the sure-to-be numerous submissions, five finalists will be picked and dubbed the Official Hot Tomatoes of Tomato Battle:Seattle. Out of the five, the Tomato Battle Crew will crown a Queen Hot Tomato. Yes. A sash will be provided.

Stay tuned for the official details, and how you lovely ladies can submit your entries. Obviously – all Hot Tomatoes will be present for the battle on September 24th at Pyramid Brewery, ready to take pictures with some Tomato Heads and promote all things Roma. So don’t enter the contest if you won’t be able to attend. That’s just silly.

So grab your stilettos ladies. Purchase that blood-red lipstick. And start to figure out how you are going to convince Seattle why you would be a fantastic fit as a Hot Tomato.

Boys – you are welcome.

It only seems fair – that we extend the same opportunity to you.

So, although this is probably the most incriminating post to ever be written in the history of bloggerdom, we will take one for the team. After all – the best relationships are fifty-fifty.

Just don’t judge.

Now one understanding must be made before we continue: it takes a lot of work to throw an event as massive as this one. We are in the office constantly. On the phone religiously. Attending meetings day in and day out. In fact, this writer won’t be surprised if carpal tunnel befalls all Tomato Battle crew members in the coming years. And if that wasn’t enough – infiltrating the super secret society that apparently controls massive amounts of tomatoes, is a nail-biting experience. Just try securing four semis of tomatoes, and you will understand all too well.

Don’t get us wrong, we wouldn’t trade this for the world. In fact, more often than not, we are left pinching ourselves – ensuring that this is real life. We are not above declaring to all who will listen: we have the best jobs in these United States. However – a certain level of decompression is necessary from time to time. If we don’t blow off some steam every now and then? Well. We would probably sacrifice the soulless ginger co-founder to the Tomato Gods.

And since said act is illegal and all – we opt for a different kind of release, like the kind we participated in last night.

After spending all day in the office, a date with a few beers and some competitive games of pool was a must. We meandered to a local restaurant and pub, ordered some ridiculously strong ales, and set about our relaxation. After a few games of pool in which this writer swears were rigged (there is no way an individual can win over and over again thanks to sheer luck) and arguably a few too many glasses of beer – we made our way back to our office.

Now our office used to be a dance studio. Oh yes. A dance studio. Which means it is equipped with full length mirrors and hard wood floors. Add a ridiculous stereo system that rivals the hardware in Key Arena – and we have our very own Tomato Battle Dance Club. In which we took full advantage.

And while one would assume that it was the three Hot Tomatoes who insisted on dancing in front of the mirrors to Ke$ha. Over. And over. And over again, for an hour and a half, until the completely organic choreography was perfectly executed and memorized – one would be dead wrong. It was our fearless leader himself. Yes. HIMself. Front and center. Twirling like a ballerina. Dropping it like it was all sorts of hot.

In fact, he was making us ladies look amateur at best.

After the awe-inspiring dance session was completed, there was really only one thing to do: listen to Britney Spears “sing” about the world ending over. And over. And over again. Thanks to who? You guessed it: our musically-inclined founder. Add our own Tomato Battle version of a “Champagne Shower” – which consisted of luke-warm Coors Light cans, keys, an attempt at a shotgunning session, and a ridiculous mess – well. We think we brought the night to a rather fantastic level.

And when all was said and done, and our legs were tired from dancing. And our voices were tired from laughing. And our ears were tired from too much Britney. And we reeked of Coors Light. It was two in the morning and we were ready to call it a successful work day.

We left in the wee hours of an Emerald City morning with smiles on our faces and rejuvenated spirits.

Ready to do it again.

Saint Augustine said that. Smart man.

However, we at Tomato Battle are no saints. Not. Even. Close. Never claimed to be. Guaranteed to never even be considered. So we definitely aren’t above bragging like a sixteen year old who just kissed a girl for the first time. We are definitely leaking that info. To everyone.

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that when our official facebook page was inching closer and closer to 10,000 “likes”, we weren’t worried. We weren’t anxiously waiting. We weren’t staring at some oversized screen like Mark Zuckerberg and the crew behind the social media giant. Then again – we weren’t waiting for business cards with the words, “I’m CEO, bitch” on them either. Not yet, anyway.

Nope. We just sat back. Popped some wine bottles. Okay, okay. There may have been a bottle of whiskey or two present as well. And basked in the sweet realization that 10,000 would be an easy mark to hit. And it was.

In fact, take a good ole look for yourself. We are at over 11,000 now. Eleven thousand Tomato Heads across the country – just waiting for a Tomato Battle to crash their pretty little towns and drench a venue in tomatoes. 11,000 and counting individuals who are anxiously anticipating those sweet forty five minutes when all that matters is whether or not your arm is warmed up and your aim is accurate.

And although it would be easy to take all the credit. Or claim the success of Copper Mountain is purely responsible for over 11,000 individuals taking a liking to Tomato Battle and all it has to offer. Well. That just wouldn’t be accurate. It is because of YOU that this extremely unique, one of a kind, balls to the wall event has exploded over the United States. Your enthusiasm. Your word of mouth. Your willingness to experience something the US has never seen. Your awesome costumes. Your tomato-throwing capabilities. Shoot – your dedication which leads you to a tattoo parlor holding a Tomato Battle logo. THAT is why we were able to sit in our office in rainy Seattle, WA – and watch our facebook page hit 10,000 “likes”.

So, from the bottom of our hearts: THANK YOU. Thank you for making our jobs meaningful. For being the reason why we come into the office, day in and day out, working as hard as we possibly can to make sure that, for forty five minutes, and countless hours before and after – you experience a life-changing moment. A memorable moment.

You all have made it possible. You all are why we are here. And we cannot wait to welcome the next 10,000.

Honestly, who would want to?

After careful consideration, numerous site visits, and fancy-pants meetings that your always cursing, sailor impersonating writer isn’t allowed to attend – the Tomato Battle Crew has decided on a venue. We would normally hold out. Make all you readers wait patiently on the edge of your seats. But we are about as excited as a fat kid at a bakery – so a serious lack of self control won’t allow us to keep this decision under wraps.

Emerald City Brewing. You have officially, and publicly, been warned.

You know the place. It’s about as known as the Space Needle. Well. For Seattlelites anyways. You can’t miss it. It’s bright green “T” welcomes all who decide to travel North on 1-5 from Tacoma and beyond. When thinking about the perfect spot to hold the Tomato Battle that is extremely near and dear to our hearts, the old Rainier Brewery was the first suggestion. Maybe it was because Seattle is our home – and that building is a steeple in our environment. Or, most likely, we just love beer. Why not have it at a brewery? Makes sense.

Three cheers for alcoholic beverages.

With a venue locked. Loaded. And ready to have 300,000 lbs of tomatoes descend upon it, we are launching the Tomato Battle of the Bands: Seattle Edition. Now. We realize that this might be a little forward. And we probably shouldn’t be posting, let alone thinking, such words. However, this writer doesn’t work well with censorship. And this writer can talk an immense amount of shit. So. Here it goes.

We have high. High. HIGH. Expectations for the Battle of the Bands for this very specific, musically inclined venue. Seattle is THE place in the United States for all things music. And we expect some absolutely fantastic bands to be submitting videos in an attempt to grace the Tomato Battle stage. We also expect the crazy Seattlelite fans to do some work, and make sure that the best bands make it there.

So Get. To. Work.

You can go to tomatobattle.com/wabattle and read all of the instructions yourself. It will tell you everything your band, and your fans, need to do in order to be considered. The sooner a video is submitted, the sooner a band’s followers will be able to vote for them.

And that, my friends, is the key to rocking the Tomato Battle stage as fruit flies.

Remember: August 27th, Tomato Battle hits Seattle like a million tons of. Well. Tomatoes. So get your throwing arm ready. Start thinking about the amazing costumes you are sure to sport. Have your favorite band submit a video and vote that they get to play on that epic Saturday.

And whatever you do. Invite as many people as humanly possible. The soulless ginger and this writer have a date with a tattoo artist. We wouldn’t want to miss it.

Neither would our asses.