Unfortunately, there is some rather devastating news that must be announced to all you Tomato Heads out there. Prepare yourself. It is a big one. This writer suggests you all be sitting down.
Our Fearless Leader, is not. I repeat not. Single.
Pause for reaction.
That’s right ladies. He has been taken by a rather fantastic woman for well over a year now. I know. I know. Who, pray tell, could capture the heart of such a forward-thinking, amazing-event creating, young man such as he?
Two words? A European.
The Tomato Couple has been enduring a long distance relationship for the better part of their relationship. That is, until now. Our lovely Tomato Girlfriend is finally in the United States – and has brought with her a touch of class that has definitely alluded our group. We are now much more worldly. Much more sophisticated. And must more in tune with social standards that leave us looking pretty fancy pants.
Well. All of us except the Soulless Ginger. But that isn’t too much of a shocker. Bringing him to “classy” status will take much more than a visit from a European heart-throb. We are still keeping our fingers crossed though.
So. In an effort to remember all that we have learned in such a short period of time – and simultaneously share this priceless pool of knowledge with all of you – we have created a list of all the things Tomato Girlfriend has taught us. Read. Learn. Enjoy. No one said that throwing pound after pound of squishy tomato didn’t have to be a sophisticated past time.
Hell. Perhaps we will grace a Country Club in the near future.
1. Always. And we mean ALWAYS. Have an unlimited supply of Perrier. Sophistication = Sparkling Water.
2. Speak three languages. IF you are feeling lazy and you don’t want to know six – like the rest of the residents across the pond. If you are striving to be like the Tomato Girlfriend, we suggest starting out with: French, Spanish, Italian, Turkish, English, and Azerbaijan. Yeah. She’s a boss.
3. Learn to love Techno. Now, we at Tomato Battle understand that this little diddy off the ole check list might be somewhat of a challenge. However – we have found that it is rather necessary. Just start off slow, as not to overload your brain. Uncontrollable fist pumps is a common side effect.
4. Freak out. And we mean FREAK OUT. Over Jamba Juice. The innocent bystanders that you inevitably body check in order to place yourself at the front of the cash register line – will automatically assume you aren’t from around here.
5. Learn to speak European English. No. Not the English you would speak if you were in Europe, but the English you would speak if you were from Europe, but in the United States and surrounded by native English speakers. Some helpful phrases include:
* “Where’s the tissue? I have to pull my nose” Translation: Where’s the tissue? I have to blow my nose.
* “Stop horning him”. Translation: Stop honking at him.
* “I don’t want to eat these, I don’t like packens”. Translation: I don’t want to eat these, I don’t like pecans.
And while the Tomato Battle Crew will inevitably slip back into our beer drinking, always cursing, less than classy tendencies – it is nice to, for the time being, rise to a previously unreachable cultured state.
So join us in welcoming our Girlfriend Tomato to the US. Make sure you say hello to her at Pyramid Brewery on the 24th of September. And watch out – she may be a classy lady. She may be extremely worldly.
But she has a nasty throwing arm, and is aiming for. Every. Single. One. Of you.